Reluctant
by Maidenjedi
Summary: This is a role he has prepared for all his life.


TITLE: Reluctant  
AUTHOR: maidenjedi  
RATING: R  
ARCHIVE: Of course.  
SUMMARY: This is a role he has prepared for all his life.  
CATEGORY: angst, LGM, V  
KEYWORDS: LGM, V, Byers POV  
SPOILERS: Requiem. Oh, come on! Like you didn't expect it!  
References to Emily-arc, The Blessing Way, Unusual Suspects  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Byers is my favorite Lone Gunman,  
I just can't live without delving into his heart and soul.  
This one goes out to Agent L, for inspiring me with her  
wonderful Frohike-fic, The Proposal, and to Sarah Segretti,  
for her wonderful Byers characterization in Baggage Claim.  
You really should read them both!! Is there anyone out there  
willing to tackle a Langly post-Requiem?!?  
DISCLAIMER: Dear CC, thank you so much for giving us  
fic writers such a wonderful episode with which to play  
this summer. Now don't sue us (me)! They aren't mine  
and I don't want them!  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*  
  
  
Mulder. Its a name I once regarded skeptically,  
with a touch of fear. The Suzanne Modeski files,  
as Frohike refers to these thoughts of times better  
forgotten but that gave us our start. A name that  
I, at one time in my life, cursed, but that I came  
to respect.  
  
Mulder. Its a name that came to stand for loyalty,  
and friendship. Friendship in his ability to  
believe us, his willingness to ask us for help.  
Loyalty in never betraying us. Friendship in  
introducing us to the woman he gazed at with more  
affection than we'd seen in him, the woman we all  
came to care for in a way that only he himself would  
fathom.  
  
Mulder. Its now a name I associate with grief.  
Our grief, as Frohike is lost without his banter-buddy  
and Langly lost without his D&D buddy (I doubt even  
Scully knows Mulder plays...played...well, enjoyed  
Dungeons and Dragons). Oh, Scully. Poor Scully.  
Pregnant and alone. Some days the guys and I have  
to call her every hour to make sure her demons have  
not defeated her.  
  
And then, of course, there is my grief.  
  
I am not like the others. Mulder wasn't...isn't...my  
buddy, he wasn't someone I'd pal around with outside  
of our work. But he was...is...my mentor. I learned  
so much from him.  
  
And now, I must emulate him.  
  
The others need guidance, in so many ways. They fight  
too much to ever get this done, to find Mulder as  
expeditiously as possible. Things have to be conducted  
as though Mulder himself were leading it. Scully knows  
it too, or else why would she call me personally at  
four in the morning after a nightmare?  
  
"Byers, I...."  
  
"I know, Scully."  
  
God, do I know. She's dealing pretty damn well with  
all of this; Mulder's disappearance, her pregnancy.  
For all intents and purposes she hasn't changed a bit.  
I doubt the other guys even notice it. But I noticed  
it. Four days into this debacle of a summer, Scully  
called me privately to meet her at a coffee shop. From  
there, we went to Mulder's apartment, and we talked (or  
rather, she talked) for seven hours about what she is  
going through. From then on I've been her confidante.  
  
At her worst, I wonder if Scully isn't more honest  
with me than she was...is...with Mulder.  
  
She tells me the secrets of how she dealt....deals....with  
Mulder's dogged determination, his search for the truth in  
all things. She tells me about Emily, about Melissa, and  
how, even now, she feels the guilt for their deaths. As she  
tells me about the turmoil inside that others do not see, I  
wonder if I should tell her that Mulder was once the same.  
But I know that could tip the scales. I have taken Mulder's  
role in her life.  
  
It is a role I accept with resignation, knowing that I am  
but an interim player whose scenes will be cut short when  
the hero is rescued. Bitter it is not, not really, but it  
stings the way a ill-gotten gain always does. This is a  
role I have been prepared for all my life.  
  
I spend my days searching for him the only way I know  
how to, searching the skies and hacking into computer  
databases and files containing UFO reports. I do this  
for myself, for Frohike and Langly, but....I do it for her,  
to find the man she knows to be the father of her child.  
She is what drives me, if I am going to truly be frank.  
Ah, hell. Let's be totally frank. Something in the  
bittersweet resignation of her voice reminds me of Suzanne.  
And it resounds in my heart like the soprano sting of a  
harpsichord. When I hear it, I know I will do anything  
for this woman to whom I am a mere surrogate.  
  
I can't resist the opportunity to be something I'm not, to  
to be the rescuer of a damsel whose prince is undoubtedly  
someone else. In high school it was Deirdre, opposite me  
in the science lab, who needed homework help. I clumsily  
aimed to grasp her heart, and she laughed softly and turned  
me down. She told me in my yearbook that I was the guy  
every girl should be so lucky to have. The irony of that  
statement, made by a girl who dated a modern-day Marquis  
de Sade, was not lost on me.  
  
I was attracted to Suzanne in much the same way, seeing the  
void and wanting so badly to have the luck of filling it.  
Beauty was a secondary issue; here was a woman I could be a  
hero for. But even she walked away, and the kiss she granted  
me tasted of the regret and sympathy I never wanted, but  
somehow received. She wanted me, but didn't want me all in  
the same breath.  
  
Scully's still on the phone. Not two breaths have passed  
between us in my rambling thoughts. She draws another,  
needing to say more to clear her head. But she surprises  
me....and yet, I knew I could expect it.  
  
"Byers, can you come over?"  
  
She doesn't want to be alone. I can't say I blame her, but  
guys like me know how the evening will end. She will lay in  
my arms, and fall asleep. Come morning she'll peck my cheek  
in gratitude, and our lives will continue as though this  
night never happened.  
  
And when Mulder returns, she'll leap into his arms, and I  
will fade in her eyes, my importance diminished by his  
galactic presence. I will be a godfather to her child, an  
uncle to him or her. I will be there. I will be there  
*for* her.  
  
Emulate him? Or take his place? Do I go over, or do I  
beg off, not wanting to be disappointed in the end?  
  
"Of course. Be there in two shakes."  
  
Mulder is a man I never envied, until I met the woman Scully.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
fin.  
  
Poor college student will work for feedback!  
texgoddess@yahoo.com  
  
  
  
  



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